Pregnancy after Rape...... Then What??? - Abortion, Adoption or Keep the Baby????

Raped!!! -- What a horrifying situation to find oneself in, yet it happens the whole world over and even as I write at this moment, someone somewhere is being violated thus. What a sad world we live in! What joy does it give a rapist, to rape someone - even knowing that his advances are unwanted. How can anyone dehumanize himself to such an extent? Its hard to believe that the same body which holds the image of God within oneself - also, holds the image of the devil within itself. And when the devil lets himself out tragic things happen.

I would not wish it on my worst enemy (luckily I believe in making friends - not enemies) - but some people rape their wives, partners, friends and even their own family members. What a lot of sick people there are in the world.

What trauma must a person go through, when rape takes place, before, during and after the deed. Such a violation of one's temple (I equate one's body as one's temple - because the God in that person resides there). The feeling of being unclean, the humiliation if one goes to the cops to lodge an FIR - the endless questions they get asked about the most personal details of the rape. It must seem like they are being verbally raped again. What a whammy it is in their lives.......!!! Somehow, though, with the help of loved ones and friends they begin to build their lives again and then.........!!!

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Here comes a double whammy - the rape has taken a more sinister form -- in the shape of a little person on his/her way. I shudder when I think of all the emotions that must go through the raped person's mind knowing that the rape was not all... Now here is a lifetime of feeling the rapist's presence around them coming their way, in the form of a little bub.

I often put myself in that person's position and think, 'how would I have felt, if that had happened to me. I love children, always wanted a dozen. I do not believe in abortion, I believe in responsible parenting.

However even despite all that, I don't think I would have ever gone through the pregnancy to bring forth the rapist's baby. It is easy for pro-lifers to say "have the baby and adopt it out" - but really is that what would be best for the baby.

It would be hard enough for the victim to deal with the rape. Now this, Oh my Gosh!!! If she has the baby she will have to live her whole life loving a child, but hating its father who has so violated her. How will she explain to her child that he/she was born out of an act of violence rather than love? How will the child feel about it? How will the child deal with such terrible news? (And invariably such news does leak out). How will it effect the child's attitude towards the world and among other things, what if history repeats itself and the child becomes a rapist like his dad - how would she cope with it?

What would you and I feel if we were the child in question. I can't answer for you, but I might even hate my mother for letting me be born under the circumstances. And that again would be a double whammy for the child and the mother. How would the baby have felt to know that the father had raped his mother and he was not born out of love but out of lust? Is'nt life hard enough as it is, without throwing in such horrendous things for a child to have to deal with?

People will always have an opinion as to what the victim should do, but she needs to do what is right for her and for the child. She may decide to have the baby, because her religion forbids her to get rid of the child. Well, I would not listen to a religion that told me that, because, I would think of what the child would have to go through in life, rather than worry about those that are least affected by it all. But then, that is me, and fortunately, I have never had to deal in real life with this situation - but I do have sympathy for the victims (both mother and the unborn child) and I can empathize with the dilemma they find themselves in.

The only good news in this whole scenario is that there is help out there for all three people in the equation as there are now a lot of counselling and trauma centers, and they deal with helping not only the victim but the rapist as well, to figure out what is wrong with him and why he did what he did.
So to all those unfortunate women out there who have been in this sitation, my heart goes out to you. I wish I had more than just words to help apease your pain, however, I sincerely say to you, "Do what you think is best for you and the baby". You have to live with the decision you make for the rest of your life -- so make it a decision that fits in with your being. Don't let judgmental people makes decisions for your life. They don't have to live your life -- you do.
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IS IT RAPE IF A WIFE SAYS "NO" BUT IT STILL HAPPENS?

Rape as described by Dictionary.com is "any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person." That pretty well sums up what constitues rape in general terms.

However, unfortunately, it happens many times over, in many homes all over the world. Women are treated as a sex object and their wishes are disregarded by their husbands, who consider themselves to be their lord and master.

I have heard from at least a dozen married women who have told their husbands that they do not wish to have sex with them - that day or any other day - but their "nos" have been left unheaded, while the male in question has had his bit of fun - if it was that!

I have also heard men say that it is their right since they are married to the woman in question - and it is not rape at all. I ask you - what do you think?

I heard one sad story from a lady who said that her marriage went the wrong way from day one, when she told her husband of a few hours that she would like to wait a few days, till they got to know each other before taking a toss in the hay. They had a traditional arranged marriage and were virtually strangers to each other. Her husband, she said, laughed at her and said, "what, not make love to my wife on my wedding day?" and that was the end of the discussion. He was a man used to making love, she was a virgin. He had watched oodles of porn and nothing mattered to him but getting what he wanted.

So, she told me, "it was slam, bam, thank you maam" and he had his wish (what joy he got from it I wonder), and he immediately went into a drunken slumber while she says she bled profusely - due to the roughness he showed with her and the fact that she had been a virgin till then - and she spent the rest of the night in tears - her dreams of a happy marriage shattered on the very first night itself. She said that although she is still married to him - their marriage died that very night that they got married. She is unfortunately still bound down by the old traditions of India and will not take a divorce, although, there is no happiness in her marriage.

It stands to reason - that if a man is so thick-skinned and inconsiderate that he can force himself upon a poor defenceless woman then how can she ever be happy with him. If on his first night with her he has no gentleness or consideration for her, how can one ever expect him to have consideration later.

For a man sex is a physical appetite - as unemotional as the need to eat food, but, to most women sex is an emotional need - an expression of her love for the man in question. Men complain that their wives no longer want to be made love to. What they fail to realise is that either their wives are physically tired due to the demands made on them by children, housework, job etc. (which means the husbands are not doing anything to help out - so they are full of energy while the poor wife is juggling with the jobs on hand and the energy she has in her to get the most important things done}and by the time the night comes she is just too exhausted and all she wants to do is shut her eyes and fall off to sleep.

Or else, the wife is not having her emotional needs met, and when her emotions are denied her need or desire for sex dries up as well.

I have had some ladies tell me that their men treat them most disrespectfully, yet, they want them to be ready to have sex with them whenever they feel like it. And one lady said to me "If I cannot have the love, respect, trust and consideration that I deserve and desire - I don't feel like having anything to do with my husband. And I as a woman, can relate to that.

Spousal rape was not considered rape until the latter part of the twentieth century. The reason for that was that till then,the woman was treated as a belonging rather than a person and having married the man it was considered that she had consented in her duty to keep him sexually satisfied.

However, with the emergence of women's rights and equality between the sexes, spousal rape - at least in the western world - is recognized as such and punishable by law in many countries.

I would be very happy to hear what you think of this issue. Please do leave a comment for me - if you have any opinion at all about it. I am trying to do a kind of a study on this issue.

The Theory of Karma - is it right or not?

It's strange, but, although a large percentage of us humans are educated and intelligent people - we still seem to have not much thinking power of our own. Some of us blindly follow, rituals, religious beliefs and philosophies that have been passed down through the ages - but, in my opinion anyway some of them are flawed. One such theory that I cannot seem to digest is The Theory of Karma. I maybe totally off the bat and you may think that I am totally crazy, but these are my thoughts anyway and I would like to put them before you. Please feel free to comment in anyway you wish. I would love to hear your theories on this controversial Theory of Karma.

In simple terms, the Theory of Karma says that whether we are happy or unhappy, rich or poor, sick or in perfect health, etc. is all due to our past life's deeds. If we were good in the past life and performed good deeds, we are born in rich families and rich countries and likewise if we are poor and miserable - we must have performed bad deeds in our past life, for which we are being punished in this life.

In fact, I actually had one very wealthy relative tell me while she was talking to me that it was her karmas in the last life which made her rich in this life - and I thought to myself - if God was so happy with you, why did he punish you by taking away your husband when he was still a young man - even though you both were so happy together. Seems to me though, that her yardstick for measuring her goodness in her past life was money. I would have thought that the fact that her husband had been taken from her so young, so tragically might have been construed as some bad karmas from her past life - but no money was the deciding factory. Strange, but then it's a strange world out there anyway!

I have had many well-meaning friends try and ram this undigestable (to me anyway) Theory of Karma down my throat. However, it just does not go down well with me. My main objection to it is simple. In my opinion God is all good and all just. And a just God would never punish me or anyone else in this life for something that I did in the last life, but cannot remember and will never remember. Just as you don't punish someone for something they have done unless it can be proven that they have done it - so too in my humble opinion - God would never punish me for something I cannot possibly remember. After all if I cannot remember it how can I accept punishment for it. A just God - and God is just, so I believe - would never do that to any of us.

I have thought about this at length, because I told you I don't believe in the Theory of Karma as the world sees it. I have my own Theory of Karma - warped though you might think it to be - in my mind it makes perfect sense.

My Theory of Karma is that we human beings are souls being recycled constantly, life-time after life-time. And, in these life-times our souls go through a rigorous filtration process as they seek "antim moksh" or "eternal salvation" Only the purest of pure souls get "antim moksh" (and as little children we used to talk about when we die we become a star in the sky - I would like to think that this is true and that someday, many life-times from now when my soul has been purified to the hilt and climbed up to the top of the ladder of filtration of souls - I too will reach that level when my soul will no longer be recycled, but will stay in the Kingdom of Heaven - a bright and shining star looking down upon the world as Mother Theresa probably is at the moment).

So how does this filtration take place and why is there so much disparity between one soul and the next. Why is one born in war-torn countries, or lands where famine is taking place, or in a murderer's home, etc. After all the harder a person's life is the more chances that they will take the easy way out and do wrong things in order to get what it is they are after.

In my opinion, it's like this. Just as we have a CEO in a business, who normally is someone who has worked his way up the ladder in his job situation - and is there at the top because he was the best - so too, there is a rough filtration process that God puts us through all our lives. And depending on how we accept and deal with the challenges He/She throws in our way - we either rise or fall down the ladder. Those people who have miserable lives, but still make the most of their life and live it well, without doing anything to harm or hurt others they go up a rung of the ladder in each life-time till they reach the very top (if they ever get there). And the harder their life is on earth the closer they are to the top. It's always hardest at the top of everything worthwhile, is'nt it?

We are born where we are born because that is where we are on the ladder leading towards "eternal salvation". So, in my thinking because we are rich and have a good, healthy and happy life - it does not indicate that we have won God's favour and so are being bestowed with these luxuries. On the contrary, in my opinion, those who have a miserable life of poverty, hunger and disability, etc. are probably on a higher rung of the ladder towards "eternal salvation" than we are. And that is why their test in life is far harder than ours. Just as with each level of education, the exams get harder and fewer people reach there - so too with the filtration process, the tests get harder (hence all those born in poverty and misery as opposed to those born in healthy, happy homes) and only those souls who still lead exemplary lives despite their misery go higher up in the ladder till finally they reach levels of a saint and make their exit from this world - to the world above.:)

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Blood transfusions - a way of life for some!

I wrote earlier about the dilemma I was placed into regarding my mother and her urgent need for blood. Being a rational, progressive thinking person I did not need to think about ethics - because to me it is perfectly ethical that if blood is needed blood should be given. The only thing that worried me was, 'what will happen if contaminated blood is given to her by accident.' However, her need for the blood was more than the risk involved especially at her grand age of 83. However, she is the lucky one, as am I and most of the people I know - as we do not constantly need blood transfusions to survive.

There are, however,a small percentage of people who do need blood, on a regular basis, or else they would cease to exist. Among them are people who have major thalassemia (a by product of two parents who have minor thalassemia).

I am fortunate that, although, I have minor thalassemia myself, my ex-husband did not have the same. It took me all of 25 years and a trip to Saskatoon Hospital, Canada; and a very painful bone-marrow test to find out that I had minor thalassemia - it was never diagnosed in India. Whenever, I would feel fatigued and low in India the docs would pass it off as anemia. Eventually an Indian doc in Canada diagnosed for me that I had had this disorder since my birth. I was then told that I was fortunate that my husband did not have the same disorder or else it could mean a very tragic case of a child with major thalassemia.

I was expecting my first child at that time, and although I did not quite understand the docs apprehension till he had tested my husband for the same I do unfortunately, understand it quite well now as we have a beautiful young lady in our family who has the terrible disorder we are talking about.

Now-a-days in India there is quite a lot of awareness of this disorder, which I am thankful for, but still I am sure there must be many people out there who do not realize that this is a genetic defect and if anyone in one's ancestry has this dreadful disorder the chances are that they could have it too. Furthermore, if two minor thalassemia people create any offspring together the rate of major thalassemia children born (I have been given to understand) is 1 out of every 4. A very high rate of risk.
Strangely just because one sibling has it does not mean that the other one will also have it. Anyway, to come back to the point I am making is that my lovely niece, who is such an inspiration to us all and a joy to be around, needs blood transfusions every 3 weeks or so in order to stay alive and this has been the scenario since she was born. In fact, well-meaning but ill-advised people had even asked her parents not to give her the first transfusion and to put an end to it before it even started. Luckily for us all, her parents chose to do it otherwise.

Life has been very hard for them all. How can it be otherwise when you see your child have to go through transfusion after transfusion - but what a lot of joy we would have missed out on if they had pulled the plug on her all those years ago. Today, she is happily married to someone who also unfortunately has the same disorder - but, together they will give each other strength - and at least they have one another who really understands what the other is going through.

My question is - how can parents who have so lovingly nurtured the baby till she is born, just decide to let her die because she needs blood and they don't want her to have it. Is that not as good as murder? That child is already there - do these children not have a right to live? In my opinion, they are probably on a higher level than the rest of us on the runk of the ladder that leads to eternal salvation (antim moksh - if you believe in it - as I do. But, that is a whole new controversial topic on the Theory of Karma as its stand today and I will discuss that on another day.)

What gets to me about religions such as Jehovah's Witness is that a lot of their brethren are very highly qualified lawyers, doctors, engineers - people with a lot of grey matter. Where then is that grey matter when they blindly follow the dictates of a religion - just because they are born into it and brought up to believe that whatever it says must be unquestioningly followed? How is it that such smart people cannot rationalize and see that God wants us to live as best we can. Yes, we should not kill someone to take their blood and use it for ourselves, but, if blood is needed and available it should be given to enable a good quality of life. If everyone followed their reasoning and religion many people who live reasonably good quality of life today - myself included, may not have been here to enjoy the world and the children and grand-children they so love.

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Blood transfusions..... should we or should'nt we?

The harrowing 8 days are finally over! I took my darling mother into hospital, not knowing whether I would be bringing her back alive - praying, hoping and cajoling God to give me some more time with her. And He/She answered my prayers.:) I finally brought her back with 4 units of foreign blood in her body - a new lease on her life..

When the doc told me that she needed blood transfusions - my mind was very ill at ease, knowing that if she received contaminated blood she could end up worse than she already is. The doc and other people put my mind at ease, telling me that it was all screened for illnesses that already exist and are known. Still it is a big decision, luckily all close members of my family and friends agreed that she should have the blood asap. And she did, and with that my precious mother started to come back to life.:)

It did set my mind thinking though, to the strict and unrelenting thoughts of Jehovah's Witnesses with regards to blood transfusions. They absolutely forbid it, no matter what - even if it is a matter of life or death. The Jehovah's Witnesses, believe that that is most unethical, their version or reading of The Bible forbids it. They consider that blood transfusions are somewhat like cannibalism, whereby you drink another's blood. There have been quite a few documented cases regarding Jehovah's Witnesses and their refusal to take or allow family members to be given blood, even when the eventuality would be an untimely death of the loved one.

It brought back a case I had heard of where a young girl was fighting for her life in Alberta, Canada; and her father - also a member of the Jehovah's religion, went against his beliefs and religion and allowed for her to be given transfusions in order to save her life. He was shunned after that by the rest of his family and religious brethren and even his daughter, whose life he saved - sometimes hated him and once in a while loved him, for giving her a chance at life through transfusions.

There was another case in 2004 when a 23 year old woman, with a 6 month old baby refused to take a transfusion, but, the Court allowed for it to be given. The reason for that decision was that the child had no other family and the baby needed her. What would make a mother want to take such a decision, I wonder, knowing that if something happened to her - as it was likely it would - then her baby would probably end up in an orphanage (if he was lucky) or else on the streets. Which is more important - the young baby or someone else's interpretation of what The Bible says?

How must a person feel when they know that a simple transfusion could save the life of their loved one - but, their religion forbids it. Why are people so easily lead by what people tell them about religious beliefs, that they would endanger the life of those they love just to follow the dictates of a religion that they have grown up with. This herd mentality, without using one's own reasoning and logic really astounds me. You find some of the most intelligent people so badly tied up in their religious beliefs that it makes you wonder if they really have a mind or reasoning power of their own. Is it really unethical for us to allow transfusions and allow another person's blood into our bodies? If so, then organ donation should also be frowned upon and forbidden.

However, I for one am an organ donor in the eventuality of my untimely or timely death. I feel that,that is the least I can do to help someone else live. I see absolutely nothing wrong in being a donor or a recipient. I am also glad that I do not belong or allow myself to blindly follow the dictates of any religion and that I did not have to think and rethink about whether or not to allow my mother the blood she needed to survive.

Quality or Quantity - which is better in life?

Last week, as I mentioned, my precious mother was extremely sick and needed to be hospitalized. It was a harrowing time for me - knowing how old she is (she is 83)and also knowing how fragile she is, the question always kept returning to my mind - Is it her time to go already? Fortunately, I have been very blessed - God spared her, made her well and sent her back home with me.:)

However, as always there is always controversy when someone elderly falls ill - as to whether she should have done this, that or the other. The thinking being that had she not done whatever it was that she has done, she would be sitting hale and hearty and sickness free. At the end of it all comes one question to my mind - is it quality or quantity that we need in our lives?

My mother and I had attended a family wedding in Bombay in February and although she was hale and hearty through it all, on arriving home she went through severe congestion, severe ear infection, severe conjunctivitis (so severe it looked like she had 2 ripe medium sized tomatoes sitting on top and inside her eyes. Then due to all the medication she took to correct these three ailments she ended up having severe diarrhea and then into a bad attack of piles - which led to severe blood loss and ended up in hospital with a hemoglobin of 4.7 gms.

She ended up being completely bed-ridden for 5 days and had 4 units of blood given to her in order for her to be able to walk again. Okay! so she went through all this - she did nothing to court this sickness - it could have happened to me instead - just the luck of the draw I think. Anyway, because of her age and fragility it hit her hard - I just thank God that He sent each bout of sickness one after the other. When one cleared the next lot came. It was an unusual set of circumstances, but, was it connected to our trip to Bombay???? I really don't think it was - not all of it anyway!

I had people telling me that I should realize how old she is and even if she wants to go I should not take her, because I know that she cannot go alone. Really? to me that would be heartless of me - knowing how keen she was on going and being there for her late sister's family and knowing that she would meet many of her other relatives maybe for the last time - should I really have refused to take her? Do I really want her to live without a life - just waiting from day to day, till death overtakes her - or do I want her to live and enjoy every day she can and let her live life while she is still alive?

To me the answer is simple. I, myself, would rather live life and enjoy each day that I can - as I wish to - rather than cotton wool myself and prolong my life as much as I can dying each day because I'm not really living, just protecting myself from dying. Still, I felt that this was one question I needed to ask my mother because it is her life we are talking about.

I did ask her that question, even before we went into hospital - after all the other sicknesses had taken their toll on her and even before I could finish framing the question, pat came her reply, "No, I'm not sorry we went to Bombay. I'm glad we went and I could be there as dadi (paternal grandmother) for my sister's grand-children."






Last year I took her with me to Thailand and Australia. It was the first time in many years that she got to meet her brother and his family, her sister and her family and her own grandchildren - the first time she met her great-grandchildren - all 7 of them! It was the first time she held a baby in many, many years -- could she have had all that joy if she had been too scared to live, in case something happened and she died instead.

Of course, we did not go unprepared. We took all possible precautions - including a business class ticket for her. Sure it cost a bomb, but it was worth it, because she did not tire at all and lived to enjoy her trip through and through. The joy that we all felt at her being there with the rest of our family, was it worth the risk of flying all the way there at this age? If you ask her, I'm sure you will hear an emphatic "absolutely yes! I would not have done it any other way".

So to all those people out there, who think I should let her sit at home and mope and await an inevitable death - I say, "Okay, if that's what you want for your life - that's your choice, but, please let us live ours the way we choose to." I would like to live life and enjoy as I see best for me, rather than live in fear that if I do whatever it is that brings me enjoyment I may die. I will die when my time comes to die - I will lie down forever and go to sleep, but till then please let me live. Give me quality of life rather than quantity any day.:)

Life knocks you around!

You think you have your life all set out pat and you go about your normal routine trying to build your business. And then whatm, life knocks you around!

This happened to me 3 days ago, when I was busy preparing for my day and waiting to write a new blog and all of a sudden my world slipped from under my feet. My darling mother, 83 years old has been ailing for a few weeks now, with various unrelated sicknesses - but, she was coping well for her age.

I went to find out one thing from her doctor and came back with another problem which could be far worse than the problem I went to solve. Anyway, I am still waiting for an answer for that, as the answer that we got back was inconclusive.

But, before I knew what happened I was escorting her to the hospital as she was too weak to even walk. Wham, that hit me like a ton of bricks - cause my mum despite her fragility and old age is a pretty gung-ho person and does like to walk by herself - sometimes even when I ask her not to.

What a day it was. Some good, some bad - but all is well that end's well and for that I thank God for his mercies. Well, to start off - I had to get help to move my mum from one place to the other. Thank God for good neighbours - I have been blessed with the best. Our regular Robin Hood neighbours were away, but some others who had moved in not long ago became the next Robin Hood's in our lives.

The young girl came to help me and said if you need to take mum to the hospital, my husband is home he can take you. As I have lived abroad for many, many years - I have not much wisdom when it comes to how things are done in India and I had heard that an ambulance can take a long time in coming, so I thanked her profusely and took up her offer.

I told her I would be ready in 15 mins had to zip across to the bank and get some money. My lady Robin Hood said, "how much do you need" and her reply to mine was, "don't worry, we have it at home just take aunty and go" Bless you Yamini, for the enormous trust you showed in me at that moment.

This was the good part of the story, from her begins the horror story. We live on the 6th Floor - the lift in our building quit - no idea how long it would take to repair. So, my poor dear, fragile 83 year old mother had the most traumatic ride of her life 6 floors down in a chair while 3 -4 men (our neighbour's husband included) took her down the stairs, one stair at a time. Bless them all, God and thank you for sending such wonderful people in my life when I most needed them.

Vishal, my neighbour, took us down in his car to the hospital. The ride was horrific as well as mum was so weak she could not sit and was positioned so badly in the car. Traffic was at its peak and we were in the heat for almost 1 hr. At a right turn, Vishal gave the indicator and the policeman said that he needed to go straight. Luckily, with mum lying down it was easy to persuade the policeman that this was an emergency and he let us go.

My poor dear mother, through all this said nothing. She just bore it all, as she does everything else - with courage and dignity. On reaching the hospital, things went well again and the doctor's and nurses took over and now my mum is resting there - more enegized than before with two units of blood in her body that were not there when we first reached there.

As I sit in the hospital with her, not connected to the net, I have time to thank God for his blessings sent our way in many forms - good neighbours, good doctors, good nurses, good members of our family and friends who come to visit and boost her morale - on the whole good people who help to make this world the beautiful place that it is in.

I came home for a couple of hours and sat down not knowing what to blog about - and this came to me. If it is not a top entry do forgive me, as there are many thoughts and emotions going through my mind. I have come home to a home that does not feel like home because my mother who was the main person here is sitting in hospital. God willing, I will bring her back with me for yet a little while more. I know that the day will come when she will never return, but I pray to God that that day is not yet on the horizon.:)