Marriage - why does it end in divorce???

Marriage - why does it end in divorce?
They get married with stars in their eyes, thoughts of a rozy life ahead....but alas! only a few months after the marriage they realise that the person they are with is no longer the person they were with, prior to their marriage. Why does this happen? Why do people change? Why do they wait till after marriage to change their behaviour - why change it later and make their happiness dissolve into unhappiness and eventually in many a case - into divorce?

I have no answers for those questions, but just some thoughts on what actually happens. I think initially, they are both enamoured by each others looks and personality and so they fall in love with each other. At this stage they are ready to please and be pleased by everything about each other. They put their best foot forward at all times, because they so badly want to belong to each other.

And then Wham! they tie the knot and get married. Now, the equation changes and that which they wanted so badly has happened. It is theirs. For a little while the excitement remains and so does the love. And then, it starts to creep in. All the teeny, tiny little things that irriate each one about the other. The things they once started to overlook, become quite openly unattractive now and finally they loom ahead like a beacon calling out saying, "I can't and don't want to live with this kind of behaviour anymore". Marriage ends and a process of divorce begins. This happens especially where there are other factors involved and where communication is low or nil between husband and wife. They really have nothing left to want to keep the marriage alive. They are better off alone!

A number of times, a person has specified what they are looking for in their marriage partner and the other person agrees - and says that's what they want from their partner as well. But things change after marriage and the truth becomes evident. One was not telling the truth in order to get the other to agree to that person getting married to them, but, what good does that do to the marriage - it is built on sifting sand. Eventually, break-downs occur & each goes their own merry or unhappy way.
Sometimes it is a control issue. One person wants to be in charge of the other and in this day and age of equality, that is a definite "no, no". But, trying telling that to the controlling person -they just don't understand and this leads to erosion of marriage as well.

Oftentimes, one of the partners' have anger-management issues. Sometimes, these are directly related to addictions of some sort. At other times, it may just be that the person has a lot of repressed aggression which keeps erupting every so often and of course, it is the spouse who bears the brunt of it all. These abusive marriages create havoc in the lives of all concerned - adults and children inclusive. If the spouse is pro-active divorce takes place, else it ends in a very unhappy marriage and a very unhappy home.

Also, these days with most men and women working out of the homes, housework becomes a bone of contention. I have found that where there is no strict line drawn between who does what household chores and where both partners do their bit in helping around the home their marriage builds a strong foundation and they both end up being happy with each other. But where it is pointed out that this is a man's job and this is a woman's job; or where the man will just not do any work at home because, "men just don't do that". Well......., I have news for such men - they may be winning the battle of the moment, but eventually they will loose the war because in most cases the marriage will end in divorce.

Where there is communication ...... and that too positive communication, people become inseparable - after all what more does one want in life than someone by their side always - who is a friend, a lover, a work-mate all rolled into one. I had a friend whose husband did not do any cooking but he would do all the picking and carrying and laying the table etc. and while she was cooking he was always there by her side, chatting with her and keeping communication alive. I commented on it and said how lucky she was to have such a husband and was told by some man X who was in the group that we were in at that time that, "He's such a woos". Well, I have news for that man X who today is divorced and living by himself - that, that woos is still very happily married. Most women, would give their eye teeth to marry such a man who finds time to talk, laugh, joke and cry with his wife. That in my eyes is what a real marriage should be about. When you don't feel the need for outside company, because what you have at home is so beautiful!

Then, there are also those that choose to go in for extra marital affairs after they are married. I would say to them - that grass is always greener on the other side. No one is perfect, so try and make adjustment with whom you are already married to because without adjustment and compromise on both ends this kind of a relationship almost always ends badly.

Sometimes, one person wants to grow as a human being and spiritually and the other just wants to sit and become a couch potato. Now that there really spells trouble - because they both are entitled to what they want - and yet they want two totally different things. One cannot grow if the other wants to laze around doing nothing. And the one that wants to laze around definitely does not want to go where the other is going............ in that case what other option is there but for them to divorce. Unless of course they have a happy marriage otherwise and are willing to allow each one their space to grow .............. or not to grow!

In Indian homes especially in joint families and where there is outside involvement in the marriage, things go either way. Either they become more solid and strong, because the involment from other family members is done in a positive and constructive way - or else they end in unhappiness and divorce.

What a sad state of affairs, it all is. If only people would show their true colours before they married, life would be much happier all around. And more than that there would be no unfortunate children who had the misfortune of being born into a home that was going through the strain of a divorce.
My advice to those considering marriage is write down your core values and what you want and expect out of life and then go through your list with your partner one by one and explore what they are ready to offer in that department. And ask them to do the same with you. And partners, please, its a matter of happiness not only for you but also for the person you are married to that you are honest about it all. There are more than 6 billion people in the world and almost half of them belong to the opposite sex. I am sure you will find at least one such person who wants what you want out of life. Wait for that person to come along, rather than making rash promises which you know you are not willing to keep, because that will only bring about unhappiness all around.

Marriages are not all made in heaven............... all of them are made right here on earth. If each one does what is right their partners and give them what they asked for when they married each other - the marriage would be a happy one and would not end in divorce.

While still on the tender topic of adoption.

One of the main questions when talking about adoption is - should the child be told that he/she is adopted. If so when do you tell the child? While there is no right or wrong answer - there are many diverse reactions and responses to the question.


I can only give you my point of view at the moment - however, if my readers wish to contribute their thoughts I would gladly run a kind of poll (except I am new to this blogging stuff - so I don't quite know how). However, I suppose if you were to leave me your comments I could make a log of them and then come back to you when I get a few responses.:)


My answer to this question is simple - "yes, they should be told and they should be told from day one, even if they are babies - they have a right to know". And, in my humble opinion if you tell them right from the start they are adopted, they will accept it gracefully. Yet, if they get to know years later - the betrayal of trust might be too much for them and a beautiful relationship may be ruined - by how they are told and by whom.


Unfortunately, in this world there are too many people who like to poke their noses where they are not needed and I have heard a few horror stories of how some unkindly aunt or other person in the family has blurted out the truth about their adoption to them. Can you imagine how a child will feel if in his/her formative years they suddenly find out that his/her parents did not give birth to them?


I remember when I was very young, a well meaning family friend who was very fond of me, always, used to tell me that I was actually her daughter and that my parents had adopted me. It did not help that I did not really look like either of my parents. It did do a lot to upset my little mind at that time - although she did it out of love, because she loved me in those days like her own girls. Grown-ups don't realise how much damage they can do sometimes by the things they say .............. and I am as guilty of it as the next person.......I'm sorry to say. But I am trying to watch what I say and I hope others will do so as well. It might help our next generations!


Anyway, back to the adopted child ............ how difficult is it to tell the child right from the start, that he/she is very special ....... as you have specially selected her from the millions of children out there in the world to be your very own child. If you make it a special thing and let them know from the beginning that they are adopted, they will always feel special.


They may still choose to find their birth parents, but, hey - would you not want to know where you came from if the positions were reversed. And every person has a right to know who his birth parents were.  However, if you have loved them well and made them feel special to you they will always come back to you.:)

Aaaaaah, we were talking about adoption!

While still on that delicate topic of adoption - I had often wondered why people adopt within the family when the child's parents are still alive. I had a cousin and a friend who were adopted that way. My cousin's birth mother and adoptive mother were real sisters. My friend was adopted by a single aunt who never got married. Her brother had four girls and she was the one who got adopted. Luckily, for both of them they had very happy, healthy, well-balanced childhoods and were well-loved in their respective adoptive homes. I never did ask my cousin how he felt about being an only child (although he had other siblings) or the adoption, but, my friend herself mentioned once that she often wondered why she was chosen to be given away by her parents. She calls them "Uncle" and "Aunty" - yet knowing that they are her birth parents makes it so wierd. She grew up without siblings, except when they were all together in the same house and same city - even then she was the one who did not really belong, they were her cousins by adoption - not e her real sister. How awful is that? Fancy missing out on such special relationships, because the people who created you did not think about your needs, wants or desires. My thinking is - how could one do that to one's own child? I know that the child was given to the adoptive person because,the adoptive person was well loved and they wanted to give that person the joy of loving their own child. That is a very lovely thing to do for another person. However, on the flip side of the coin - is this beautiful baby whom you have brought into the world. She/he is not a toy or gift that you can just hand over to someone else, because you love them a lot. What about the baby's feelings. How does a child who has been given away by a parent cope knowing that they loved someone else more than they loved her and so they gave her away to the other person. What a terrible dilemma and thought to have to live with for the rest of your life - it would be so much easier to accept if the parents were dead. Life is hard enough without adding more dimensions to it than God had intended for that life. The world is full of children who are without parents. They are the ones who really need to be adopted. They are the ones in danger out there - alone in the world. If you are going to adopt why not adopt out of them, so that you really do some good for another soul. Instead, by adopting within the family or friend's circle you create more issues for a poor child to have to deal with right through their life. Why is it when people think about these things they never seem to think from the eye's of a child who has been given up for adoption. I too, many years ago was put through the same test. My ma-in-law wanted me to give up one of my babies (even those not yet born) to be adopted by my brother and sister-in-law. Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks!!! I should have expected it but I did not, and when it came it knocked the very wind out of my sails! She had made my brother and sister-in-law, whom I had grown very fond off, wait for 13 years - telling them that when their brother married they could adopt a child from him. She did not want whatever they had materially, to go to another child - it should go to a child from within the family. How selfish is that and how mercenary?:( Instead of thinkig about the child's feelings, to be thinking about keeping whatever is in the family - for the family. Anyway, I had to politely but assertively tell her that 'sorry but no way am I going to part with a child'. She said if you plan to have 4, just have one extra to give to them and I had to tell her that no matter how many children I had there would never be an extra one. All of them would be very welcomed into my home and my heart. I tried to explain to her that I could never do that to my child and that it was important to think of that child before all else. Also, I tried to tell her that any child that came into the house as an adopted child would for all intents and purposes be the loved child of those parents and there should be no difference between him/her and a child born into the family. However, I don't think she quite understood - or forgave me for not giving away my child. The irony of the whole thing is that those beautiful children that my brother and sister-in-law adopted, after that incident were the ones who were around her to give my ma-in-law all the love and care that grandchildren do and she knew them more than she ever knew any of the children actually born into the family.

Still on the topic of adoption!

As I had mentioned earlier, I did a Post-Graduate course in International Social Work in Melbourne many years ago. I did some research and wrote on a topic -adoption - that has been a passion of mine ever since I was a little girl. When I was still in my teens I had thought that someday I would like to adopt a child and give some parent-less child the joy of belonging. (However, I must say that I was thoroughly put off with the Indian adoption rules in those days as they said that if you adopt a child that child gets half of whatever you have when you die - and all the other children collectively get the other half. Talk about being unfair to your own child). Anyway, when I did this research for my course, I found out that in Victoria, Australia and in many other countries adoption rules were so strict in olden days, that they did not allow for parents or children to look for or try and find each other. How cruel is that? Okay, Okay, so maybe the parent could be penalized for life for having given up his/her child while they were still alive......but, to do that to a child. How awful would that be? Every human being wants to know where he/she came from. What right does anyone have to take that right away from a person? Anyway, fair or not ... that's what the law said in those days and many a child who had been adopted in that era, died without ever finding out where his/her roots came from. I forget what year that dumb rule was lifted, sometime in the 1960s or 1970s but, when it was lifted there was a deluge of both - parents who gave up their children for adoption and since wanted to find them; as well as; children who wanted to find their birth parents. Many had grown up in orphanages and had miserable lives, some had lived off the streets, some went to undesirable homes ..... but, there were also many who had found very loving and supportive parents, but, still the hankering for where their bloodline came from, caused them to want to find out. A lot of adopted children were very fortunate that the adopting parents did not mind, and, some even helped them find out about their birth parents. Some of the stories were happy reunions with the birth-parents becoming a part of their children's future lives - as friends, not parents since they had given up that right. However, I can remember reading about one poor fellow who desperately wanted to find out and talk to his mother - I think his father had already died - but this heartless birth-mother did not want to disrupt her present life (and her husband and other children did not know about this child) so she refused to meet or even talk to the son she had borne, and given away and since forgotten. How any woman can be so cruel I cannot fathom, but I won't sit in judgement of her as I do not know her circumstances. I just wonder how she can get up each day and look at her face in the mirror and like what she sees!!! It does lead me to a niggling question in my mind though .... Should she be allowed to keep quiet and stay unknown -if her child wants to know her - or does she owe it to the child to talk to him? After all she did put him on this earth and then subsequently forgot about him. I would love to have other people's opinions regarding this issue --- so if you have any thoughts please write them out for me and send them to me.:)

Adoption - versus abortion!

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A long, long time ago almost 35 years ago, when I was expecting my first baby - I was talking to another would be mother - and we were discussing abortion and adoption issues. (I know I am going to ruffle a lot of feathers here - but these are my thoughts, so please forgive me if they do not jive with yours.)

Anyway, she was mentioning to me that someone she knew had just had an abortion as she felt she was too young to have a baby - she was an unwed mum-in-the-making. Anyway, my friend Nancy, felt that the young girl should not have aborted the baby - instead she should have allowed the baby to be born and adopted it out instead.

Now, let's get this straight - I am totally anti-abortion - I believe if you put yourself in a position where you have conceived; then, you should do what is responsible by that baby and bring it into the world and love it and care for it. All babies should be loved and cared for(to me, personally, it's a baby from the get go - never a fetus).

There are however, sometimes, extenuating circumstances where one is not totally responsible for bringing that baby into the world (as in the case of rape). Or, sometimes, the baby may have to live through an extremely hard life (such as a child whose parents are in jail for murder, rape, etc.) Thus,for no fault of its own - except for the fact that it got placed in the womb or the person concerned, that poor child will have to deal with a unfairly disadvantaged life. To me, under these circumstances, a person should abort the child if they feel it is the best thing.

I think of it from the child's point of view. Would I have liked it if my mother had given birth to me - if my father had been her rapist? No, I would have hated it, I would have hated my father for having done that to my mother and I would have hated living knowing that I was born out of someone's evil lust - with no love between the two people who created me.

Similarly, would I have been happy if my mother had had me knowing that my father or she herself, were criminals - and that I would suffer the consequences of being the child of a criminal? The cruel taunts in school and through life - for something that was no fault of my own. No, I would have hated it (and I actually am one person who does not even like the word hate - it is too strong a word for my liking. Dislike yes.......... but hate no. However, under both these scenarios I am sure that if I was the child in question I would have hated being born.

So that brings us back to the start of my story - Nancy thought that the baby should have been allowed to live and adopted out when it was born. I was appalled at that thought. My thoughts were and still are, that there are millions of children out there already, who have lost their parents in their childhood or their parents are too poor to look after them. They need loving homes to belong to. Why should we not focus on adopting out those children - instead of creating new babies just for the purpose of adopting them out. When a person knows that she is not going to love the baby, she is going to give it away; then, in my humble thinking - I feel that let her live for the rest of her life with the pain, and the anguish and remorse (if she has any) at killing her baby. Why punish the poor baby?

Why should a poor, dear little baby who has a hard life ahead of him/her already (as life is hard for all of us at sometime or the other, why should this poor soul have to go through more hardships just because his/her mother was careless or unlucky enough to get pregnant. Life is hard enough even when you have a stable home background with parents who love you, nurture and care for you and protect you when you need it. Why should this child have to go through the agony of living life knowing that his/her mother did not love her enough to look after her/him, herself.

What guarantee is there that the baby will be adopted and will find a good adoptive home where love will be in abundance? Maybe, it will become the victim of a pedophile in the very adoption home that he/she lives. Is it right to bring a child into the world, just because one is careless enough to let it happen. Why should that poor child pay the price for their parents' indiscretions?

As I said earlier, these are purely my thoughts, but as a Post-Graduate of International Social Work, I have done extensive research into Adoption - which was indeed the topic that I chose to write about. These thoughts, maybe mine - but there is input for them from the thoughts of many of the true stories I have read about adopted children while doing my research for my paper on Adoption.

More on this topic on another day and if anyone out there is an adopted child or adoptive parent and would like to write to me about their thoughts on this issue, please feel free to do so. I welcome your thoughts.

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Rape - should women need to protect themselves from it?

'RAPE'- gosh it is so much in the news these days. Yet, it just keeps happening and happening and happening; again and again and again. Why is that? Is it just that men have their brains in the wrong head - or is it that the punishment doled out is just too soft and so they just feel that the pleasure they get fleetingly is worth any punishment that may or may not come later.....
There is so much debating all around the globe, regarding whether women should be asked to learn to protect themselves from the evil intentions of evil men. Women all over feel that the men should be punished and that they themselves (women) should not need to do anything to protect themselves. In other words women should be allowed to roam around freely - skimpily clad if they wish - without drawing the wrong kind of attention and admiration from those around them. I know I am going to be in the firing line by those who have joined up in the slut-walk campaign and other, but really we do need to think about what we are doing!!!
In my humble opinion, the message being sent out by women dressed in such a way is "Hey look at me, I want to show off my assets to you and all sundry, but, you can only look - don't touch".

And, by the way, I thoroughly dislike the term 'slut-walk'. Why do we women have to give ourselves such a negative name. I know people refer to some women as 'sluts'; and their behavior as 'sluttish'; but, as I often told my children - if the name does not fit who you are - walk away and let barking dogs bark. When they see that you ignore them, they will realize that they were wrong in their assessment of you and you will have won without stooping to their level. Participating in 'slut walk' to me only undermines us women and tells the world that we are ready and willing to be called sluts!!!

As a woman myself, I feel that men should be castrated if they rape. Ouch!!! let it hurt with what they have hurt another. With a punishment like that they will have to think about it several times before they act. I don't know of any man who would like that punishment. I feel that if the punishment was severe enough that they could loose their pride and joy --- their so called 'manhood' then they would really stop and think before they did anything that could jeopardize their prized asset.

However, my advice to women would be - that the world is full of mentally sick people and sexually deprived men - you need to learn to protect yourself from such people. Just as you learn to be wary of snakes and stray dogs so too don't put yourself in a position where someone can take advantage of you.

How many men do you see out there almost exposing themselves - they also have private parts to show but they mostly keep them decently covered up. You will hardly find any magazines with naked men - but, ah! naked women you will find a dime a dozen. We women, let ourselves down - by allowing others to exploit our sexuality thus. True, it is only some women who do it, but, there are enough of them who do it to make it harder for the rest of us.

It also does not help when women go up dressed with plunging necklines almost showing all there is to show. It is what I call, the "come hither" look. What you are doing is the equivilent of placing a million dollars in the open and showing it to everyone; and then expecting that they will keep their hands off the money. Yes, a lot of people will walk away from it, but, others will not. Can we truly blame them or is it that we should be allowed to play the game of "tease" without regard for the consequences?

An Imam in Australia likened the women who dress thus, as a 'piece of meat' and men who raped them as 'dogs' - saying that if you throw a piece of meat at a dog he will definitely pounce at it and devour it. While, I and most of Australia felt and unanimously voted the Imam out of Australia - the fact is that if you put yourself in a position where you are dressing to exposing your sexuality and draw attention to it; then; you should be aware that not all men are mentally or morally balanced and that although, in a perfect world it would not happen - however, we are living in a far-from-perfect world and so we should be prepared for the worst should it happen.

So once again it boils down to this. We should not need to get alarm systems or security to protect the safety of our homes - but we do it anyway, because we know that there are bad people out there who might try and rob or harm us. Likewise, we need to keep the same thought in our minds when we try and argue on this topic.

I personally feel, that, my body is my temple - it is not to be displayed to all and sundry. While I don't need to dress from head to toe to cover myself - I do feel the need to keep what is private to me - private!!!
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