Marriage - why does it end in divorce???

Marriage - why does it end in divorce?
They get married with stars in their eyes, thoughts of a rozy life ahead....but alas! only a few months after the marriage they realise that the person they are with is no longer the person they were with, prior to their marriage. Why does this happen? Why do people change? Why do they wait till after marriage to change their behaviour - why change it later and make their happiness dissolve into unhappiness and eventually in many a case - into divorce?

I have no answers for those questions, but just some thoughts on what actually happens. I think initially, they are both enamoured by each others looks and personality and so they fall in love with each other. At this stage they are ready to please and be pleased by everything about each other. They put their best foot forward at all times, because they so badly want to belong to each other.

And then Wham! they tie the knot and get married. Now, the equation changes and that which they wanted so badly has happened. It is theirs. For a little while the excitement remains and so does the love. And then, it starts to creep in. All the teeny, tiny little things that irriate each one about the other. The things they once started to overlook, become quite openly unattractive now and finally they loom ahead like a beacon calling out saying, "I can't and don't want to live with this kind of behaviour anymore". Marriage ends and a process of divorce begins. This happens especially where there are other factors involved and where communication is low or nil between husband and wife. They really have nothing left to want to keep the marriage alive. They are better off alone!

A number of times, a person has specified what they are looking for in their marriage partner and the other person agrees - and says that's what they want from their partner as well. But things change after marriage and the truth becomes evident. One was not telling the truth in order to get the other to agree to that person getting married to them, but, what good does that do to the marriage - it is built on sifting sand. Eventually, break-downs occur & each goes their own merry or unhappy way.
Sometimes it is a control issue. One person wants to be in charge of the other and in this day and age of equality, that is a definite "no, no". But, trying telling that to the controlling person -they just don't understand and this leads to erosion of marriage as well.

Oftentimes, one of the partners' have anger-management issues. Sometimes, these are directly related to addictions of some sort. At other times, it may just be that the person has a lot of repressed aggression which keeps erupting every so often and of course, it is the spouse who bears the brunt of it all. These abusive marriages create havoc in the lives of all concerned - adults and children inclusive. If the spouse is pro-active divorce takes place, else it ends in a very unhappy marriage and a very unhappy home.

Also, these days with most men and women working out of the homes, housework becomes a bone of contention. I have found that where there is no strict line drawn between who does what household chores and where both partners do their bit in helping around the home their marriage builds a strong foundation and they both end up being happy with each other. But where it is pointed out that this is a man's job and this is a woman's job; or where the man will just not do any work at home because, "men just don't do that". Well......., I have news for such men - they may be winning the battle of the moment, but eventually they will loose the war because in most cases the marriage will end in divorce.

Where there is communication ...... and that too positive communication, people become inseparable - after all what more does one want in life than someone by their side always - who is a friend, a lover, a work-mate all rolled into one. I had a friend whose husband did not do any cooking but he would do all the picking and carrying and laying the table etc. and while she was cooking he was always there by her side, chatting with her and keeping communication alive. I commented on it and said how lucky she was to have such a husband and was told by some man X who was in the group that we were in at that time that, "He's such a woos". Well, I have news for that man X who today is divorced and living by himself - that, that woos is still very happily married. Most women, would give their eye teeth to marry such a man who finds time to talk, laugh, joke and cry with his wife. That in my eyes is what a real marriage should be about. When you don't feel the need for outside company, because what you have at home is so beautiful!

Then, there are also those that choose to go in for extra marital affairs after they are married. I would say to them - that grass is always greener on the other side. No one is perfect, so try and make adjustment with whom you are already married to because without adjustment and compromise on both ends this kind of a relationship almost always ends badly.

Sometimes, one person wants to grow as a human being and spiritually and the other just wants to sit and become a couch potato. Now that there really spells trouble - because they both are entitled to what they want - and yet they want two totally different things. One cannot grow if the other wants to laze around doing nothing. And the one that wants to laze around definitely does not want to go where the other is going............ in that case what other option is there but for them to divorce. Unless of course they have a happy marriage otherwise and are willing to allow each one their space to grow .............. or not to grow!

In Indian homes especially in joint families and where there is outside involvement in the marriage, things go either way. Either they become more solid and strong, because the involment from other family members is done in a positive and constructive way - or else they end in unhappiness and divorce.

What a sad state of affairs, it all is. If only people would show their true colours before they married, life would be much happier all around. And more than that there would be no unfortunate children who had the misfortune of being born into a home that was going through the strain of a divorce.
My advice to those considering marriage is write down your core values and what you want and expect out of life and then go through your list with your partner one by one and explore what they are ready to offer in that department. And ask them to do the same with you. And partners, please, its a matter of happiness not only for you but also for the person you are married to that you are honest about it all. There are more than 6 billion people in the world and almost half of them belong to the opposite sex. I am sure you will find at least one such person who wants what you want out of life. Wait for that person to come along, rather than making rash promises which you know you are not willing to keep, because that will only bring about unhappiness all around.

Marriages are not all made in heaven............... all of them are made right here on earth. If each one does what is right their partners and give them what they asked for when they married each other - the marriage would be a happy one and would not end in divorce.