Such is life!!!: Quality or quantity

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Quality or Quantity - which is better in life?

Last week, as I mentioned, my precious mother was extremely sick and needed to be hospitalized. It was a harrowing time for me - knowing how old she is (she is 83)and also knowing how fragile she is, the question always kept returning to my mind - Is it her time to go already? Fortunately, I have been very blessed - God spared her, made her well and sent her back home with me.:)

However, as always there is always controversy when someone elderly falls ill - as to whether she should have done this, that or the other. The thinking being that had she not done whatever it was that she has done, she would be sitting hale and hearty and sickness free. At the end of it all comes one question to my mind - is it quality or quantity that we need in our lives?

My mother and I had attended a family wedding in Bombay in February and although she was hale and hearty through it all, on arriving home she went through severe congestion, severe ear infection, severe conjunctivitis (so severe it looked like she had 2 ripe medium sized tomatoes sitting on top and inside her eyes. Then due to all the medication she took to correct these three ailments she ended up having severe diarrhea and then into a bad attack of piles - which led to severe blood loss and ended up in hospital with a hemoglobin of 4.7 gms.

She ended up being completely bed-ridden for 5 days and had 4 units of blood given to her in order for her to be able to walk again. Okay! so she went through all this - she did nothing to court this sickness - it could have happened to me instead - just the luck of the draw I think. Anyway, because of her age and fragility it hit her hard - I just thank God that He sent each bout of sickness one after the other. When one cleared the next lot came. It was an unusual set of circumstances, but, was it connected to our trip to Bombay???? I really don't think it was - not all of it anyway!

I had people telling me that I should realize how old she is and even if she wants to go I should not take her, because I know that she cannot go alone. Really? to me that would be heartless of me - knowing how keen she was on going and being there for her late sister's family and knowing that she would meet many of her other relatives maybe for the last time - should I really have refused to take her? Do I really want her to live without a life - just waiting from day to day, till death overtakes her - or do I want her to live and enjoy every day she can and let her live life while she is still alive?

To me the answer is simple. I, myself, would rather live life and enjoy each day that I can - as I wish to - rather than cotton wool myself and prolong my life as much as I can dying each day because I'm not really living, just protecting myself from dying. Still, I felt that this was one question I needed to ask my mother because it is her life we are talking about.

I did ask her that question, even before we went into hospital - after all the other sicknesses had taken their toll on her and even before I could finish framing the question, pat came her reply, "No, I'm not sorry we went to Bombay. I'm glad we went and I could be there as dadi (paternal grandmother) for my sister's grand-children."

Last year I took her with me to Thailand and Australia. It was the first time in many years that she got to meet her brother and his family, her sister and her family and her own grandchildren - the first time she met her great-grandchildren - all 7 of them! It was the first time she held a baby in many, many years -- could she have had all that joy if she had been too scared to live, in case something happened and she died instead.

Of course, we did not go unprepared. We took all possible precautions - including a business class ticket for her. Sure it cost a bomb, but it was worth it, because she did not tire at all and lived to enjoy her trip through and through. The joy that we all felt at her being there with the rest of our family, was it worth the risk of flying all the way there at this age? If you ask her, I'm sure you will hear an emphatic "absolutely yes! I would not have done it any other way".

So to all those people out there, who think I should let her sit at home and mope and await an inevitable death - I say, "Okay, if that's what you want for your life - that's your choice, but, please let us live ours the way we choose to." I would like to live life and enjoy as I see best for me, rather than live in fear that if I do whatever it is that brings me enjoyment I may die. I will die when my time comes to die - I will lie down forever and go to sleep, but till then please let me live. Give me quality of life rather than quantity any day.:)

Divorce - after 25 years of marriage!

Divorce in the day and age when I got married was a dirty word, in India. And in my mind, come what may, I was definitely not going to get divorced 30 some years ago.

My marriage started off as a disaster from day one, but, I was an Indian girl and for me marriage was forever - and I was going to have to make it work one way or the other. And I tried and I tried and I tried, but, it takes two hands to clap and the harder I worked at making the marriage work, the more it went the other way. We were just two people who were all wrong for each other. When I wanted to go North he was happy hibernating in the South. Our thoughts just did not match and it was an unhappy affair - at least for me.

I have no desire to go through all that was wrong with our marriage, but the fact is that there was no communication. He was happy with the TV - I could not compete with all that the TV puts out. Most of his hours at home were spent communicating with the TV and as a result even in a house full of people both of us were truly alone in our marriage.

In all fairness to him, he is a good guy in his own way, but, we are poles apart in thinking and what we wanted from life. Still we plodded along - trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that I ended up taking a divorce 25 years later - after having brought into the world some beautiful but, unfortunate children who were going through the bad marriage and the divorce with us, right through. They were the innocent victims.:(

To me, divorce, is sadder than death of a loved partner (in a sense), because it is actually death of a marriage. Death has to come to us all at some time or the other, but death of a marriage does not. And as you go through it all you get no sympathy from others - in fact, everyone who knows you has an opinion and jdgement about the whole issue. Also, you still have to deal with the person you were married to and try and work out ways to make it workable and as happy as possible for the children.

And also, strangely the moment you take a divorce, people seem to think that you are open to their advances and sometimes even women friends have doubts when you are around their husbands. For Gods sake - I am still the same person I was when I was married, still holding the same values and morals - don't sit and judge and condemn me because I lucked out when I married someone who was totally wrong for me.

It was a very hard time for us all but somehow we got through it. And after many years life has started to eventually come together for me at least. My plea to all those people out there who sit in judgement of those who have opted to take a divorce is - please don't do that. Very few people break up the little nests they have created without good reason. Instead of judging them, try and help them sort themselves out.

People often ask me why I took a divorce after such a long time of being married. Its probably for the same reason that others who stay married for a long time before they take that step do - they want to do what they think is right for the children and when the children are all grown up there is nothing left in the marriage to keep them together. Instead of belittling them for breaking up a marriage, please realize that they made a big sacrifice in staying married for so long, and that they might have really tried to make it work, but it was unsalvagable.

At the end of the day, if you buy a shoe that does not fit well - that gives you blisters and pain - you don't keep wearing it. Why then should one have to go through a whole life in pain because they made a mistake and married someone not right for them???

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